We all know that the Friday after Thanksgiving is called "Black Friday" because of the chaos that kicks off the holiday shopping season.
(Yeah, I know that the name actually refers to fact that it's when retailers traditionally push their books into "the black" for year, but anybody who has actually fought their way through a Gap post-turkey day knows that the mood is pretty dark.)
Well, for office bathrooms all over the country, the first workday after the Thanksgiving holiday is known as "Black Monday."
Your average cubicle dweller has been stuffing their face for four days solid (thank you very much, leftovers.) In other words, the factory has been working overtime and there is backlog of product ready to ship!
I hope our plumbing can handle it.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
It's called a plunger
Men, it’s bathroom etiquette 101: he who clogs it must unclog it.
This morning, I was required, once again, to “repair” the facility before I could use it. Not cool.
It’s simple: once you’ve completed your transaction, flush and take a quick glance down. If the “actors” have “cleared the stage” you are free to exit the stall. If, however, there is a bottleneck at the exit, simply grab the plunger and clear the way.
The next guy thanks you for your courtesy.
This morning, I was required, once again, to “repair” the facility before I could use it. Not cool.
It’s simple: once you’ve completed your transaction, flush and take a quick glance down. If the “actors” have “cleared the stage” you are free to exit the stall. If, however, there is a bottleneck at the exit, simply grab the plunger and clear the way.
The next guy thanks you for your courtesy.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Captain, I need more pressure
Aside from the well-documented nasal assault, another defining feature of 340 Brannan's fifth floor men's room is the complete lack of water pressure.
While this is somewhat inconvenient in terms of the sink (I mean, we don't have to wash our hands every visit, do we men?) it's downright unacceptable in terms of the toilet.
To illustrate my point...
Perhaps you are familiar with Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese competitive eater who held the world record for hot dog eating for several years. A key element of his technique: he soaks the buns. Dipping them in water makes them easier to digest.
Let's just say that the fifth floor men's room toilet is not a "championship eater" of anything. I think its inability to fully "soak the buns" is a key reason why.
The toilet reminds me of those first generation low-flush water saving toilets--the ones that would simply spritz a turd and call it a day. While the low-flush technology seems to have come a long way in recent years, the plumbing in the fifth floor men's room at 340 Brannan has not.
Apparently, the building manager has tried to pin the lack of water pressure on the city. If that's the case, I shudder to think about those high-rise condos that are going up in nearby SOMA. If you've paid $2 million for a condo on the 43rd floor, you sure want to be able to go #2 in your own home, don't you?
It's gotten so bad, that I've heard rumors of desperate measures--people bringing water bottles with them into the business chamber (and not to quench their thirst.) But "those buns" need softening...do it for Kobayashi.
While this is somewhat inconvenient in terms of the sink (I mean, we don't have to wash our hands every visit, do we men?) it's downright unacceptable in terms of the toilet.
To illustrate my point...
Perhaps you are familiar with Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese competitive eater who held the world record for hot dog eating for several years. A key element of his technique: he soaks the buns. Dipping them in water makes them easier to digest.
Let's just say that the fifth floor men's room toilet is not a "championship eater" of anything. I think its inability to fully "soak the buns" is a key reason why.
The toilet reminds me of those first generation low-flush water saving toilets--the ones that would simply spritz a turd and call it a day. While the low-flush technology seems to have come a long way in recent years, the plumbing in the fifth floor men's room at 340 Brannan has not.
Apparently, the building manager has tried to pin the lack of water pressure on the city. If that's the case, I shudder to think about those high-rise condos that are going up in nearby SOMA. If you've paid $2 million for a condo on the 43rd floor, you sure want to be able to go #2 in your own home, don't you?
It's gotten so bad, that I've heard rumors of desperate measures--people bringing water bottles with them into the business chamber (and not to quench their thirst.) But "those buns" need softening...do it for Kobayashi.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Where the ladies at?
In the halls of 340 Brannan, the buzz about this blog is rising to a steady hum.
Apparently, some are questioning the gender exclusivity--should there be a sister blog? A lady correspondent?
I believe 340brannan5thfloormensroom.blogspot.com is really more of a state-of-mind than a men's club. All are welcome.
Still, questions remain. Are euphemisms like "the business chamber" gender neutral?
In the spirit of inclusion, here are a few ladies room stall euphemisms we're testing with our focus groups right now: The Sit Down Place, Porcelain Lounge and the Barbecue Factory.
(I know "the Barbecue Factory" doesn't make any sense, but it DOES make me laugh.)
Apparently, some are questioning the gender exclusivity--should there be a sister blog? A lady correspondent?
I believe 340brannan5thfloormensroom.blogspot.com is really more of a state-of-mind than a men's club. All are welcome.
Still, questions remain. Are euphemisms like "the business chamber" gender neutral?
In the spirit of inclusion, here are a few ladies room stall euphemisms we're testing with our focus groups right now: The Sit Down Place, Porcelain Lounge and the Barbecue Factory.
(I know "the Barbecue Factory" doesn't make any sense, but it DOES make me laugh.)
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I blogged too soon
Disregard the sunny optimism of my previous post. Somebody did some heart-breaking work this morning.
Men, you need to FLUSH. It's not optional. It's what you must do at the end of the session.
If you have done so much damage that the technology is unable to process your deposit, you must call the building manager. This is not courtesy, it's basic humanity.
Men, you need to FLUSH. It's not optional. It's what you must do at the end of the session.
If you have done so much damage that the technology is unable to process your deposit, you must call the building manager. This is not courtesy, it's basic humanity.
A sanctuary
Who'd a thunk it? Fifth floor men's room has become a sanctuary!
Perhaps it's the can of Linen & Sky Febreze Air Effects that was generously contributed just hours after the original potty memo went up. Maybe the denizens of the fifth floor are eating better, working out, and living right. But whatever the reason, visits to this blog's namesake over the last 10 days have been almost...pleasant.
The same cannot be said for the fourth floor. (As far as I know, 340brannan4thfloormensroom.blogspot.com does not yet exist. So I must share my experience here.)
Yesterday afternoon, when I entered fifth floor men's room, the business chamber was occupied. So I decided to head downstairs to use the fourth floor facilities.
It was bad. Not my-coworkers-ate-Indian-food-for-lunch bad but rather did-a-hobo-die-in-here bad. Bad bad.
So I actually climbed the stairs and waited until the fifth floor men's room was free. It was my preferred bathroom.
We've come a long way, baby.
Perhaps it's the can of Linen & Sky Febreze Air Effects that was generously contributed just hours after the original potty memo went up. Maybe the denizens of the fifth floor are eating better, working out, and living right. But whatever the reason, visits to this blog's namesake over the last 10 days have been almost...pleasant.
The same cannot be said for the fourth floor. (As far as I know, 340brannan4thfloormensroom.blogspot.com does not yet exist. So I must share my experience here.)
Yesterday afternoon, when I entered fifth floor men's room, the business chamber was occupied. So I decided to head downstairs to use the fourth floor facilities.
It was bad. Not my-coworkers-ate-Indian-food-for-lunch bad but rather did-a-hobo-die-in-here bad. Bad bad.
So I actually climbed the stairs and waited until the fifth floor men's room was free. It was my preferred bathroom.
We've come a long way, baby.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Giant sucking machine
Today, right in front of 340 Brannan, there is a truck that is working on repairing the sewer line on the street. It has a giant hose and is, uh...well, it's sucking out all the poop.
Will this effort improve the smell situation in 5th floor men's room? Stay tuned...
Will this effort improve the smell situation in 5th floor men's room? Stay tuned...
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Cast of characters
Acronyms for our artists and contributors:
G - Gumming
R - Receptacles
I - Intended for
D - Defecation with
N - Nose
E - Embalming
T - Turds
And...
T - Taunting
E - Enemies with
N - New
D - Dumping
O - Offensive
G - Gumming
R - Receptacles
I - Intended for
D - Defecation with
N - Nose
E - Embalming
T - Turds
And...
T - Taunting
E - Enemies with
N - New
D - Dumping
O - Offensive
A memo...a cry for help
It all started with this memo:
Which led to this "comment" (which, in the non-blog world means somebody scribbled something in pen on the wall):
Yes, dedicated reader. I do have a blog. Enjoy.
A Memo to the Users of the Fifth Floor Men’s Room at 340 Brannan St.
Men –
This is, of course, a men’s restroom. One would not expect it to smell of peppermint and lilacs.
But some of you have been doing some real knee-buckling work, lately…the kind of stuff that drives a person to the 4th floor facilities...contributions that make one question a co-worker’s diet…nay, their very health!
Some of you need to get yourselves checked. What’s happening inside these four walls...Just. Not. Right.
How about some “mitigating steps?” Matches? Air Spray? A complete physical? Suggestions are welcome.
We’re all in this together, men.
Which led to this "comment" (which, in the non-blog world means somebody scribbled something in pen on the wall):
Note to Author...
This is some of the finest potty writing that I've seen! You should be a professional! (probably are.) Please post more material. I can stink up the room if it helps inspire you. Do you have a blog?
-- a dedicated reader.
Yes, dedicated reader. I do have a blog. Enjoy.
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