The 340 Brannan 5th Floor Men's Room Blog

The video worthy of a new post

2009-03-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yes loyal readers. The potty blogger has moved on and no longer writes about the, uh, comings and goings of 340 Brannan 5th Floor men's room. But I saw a video today that made me think of the ol' stomping ground. You should demand that it be installed immediately.

Potty Blogger goes all Willy Wonka on you

2008-06-12T16:15:00.001-07:00

I have some difficult news. I, Potty Blogger, am taking a new job and will no longer be a regular visitor to 340 Brannan fifth floor men's room.

But this blog must continue in my absence! So I have hidden five golden tickets...

Well, not exactly. But, like Mr. Willy Wonka, I am looking for someone to whom I can pass the reins.

Wonka was looking for a child who could run his chocolate factory...I am looking for a man who wants to blog about a chocolate factory. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

If you think you might be that person, please leave a comment below and explain why you think you're qualified. If a suitable candidate is identified in the next week, I will pass over the password. All this could be yours.

Oompa Loompas not included.

If not, this blog will cease to publish. The choice, dear readers, is yours.

Worst urinal in the building

2008-06-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

Fourth floor men's room. Hands down.

1. It's mounted on a portion of the wall that sticks out about a foot, so the "privacy screen" provides no privacy.

2. The urinal itself is super long...and not in a good way. (See point #1.) It's right next to the sink, but it sticks out so far, you're basically standing behind the guy at the sink who's trying to wash his hands. It's creepy.

3. It's too low to the ground. Seriously, it's like two inches off the ground--I can barely get my feet under there when I move in to do my business.

The combination of the location, the size of the urinal, and it's height make the experience feel like you're peeing into a cookie sheet that's sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.

It's not cool.

Overflowing toilet

2008-06-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

Ah...Monday morning in fifth floor men's room.

Sombody conducted a pretty serious piece of business in the chamber this morning and there is now an overflowing toilet and an inch of water on the floor. (Good news: the drain does seem to be working.)

Did the offender try and use the plunger to prevent this overflow? Did he at least call the building manager and alert them to the problem?

I doubt it. While past performance is not an indication of future results, the users of fifth floor men's room are a notorious for their lack of responsibility.

Man TP is back!

2008-06-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

The hearty toilet paper, appropriate for man-sized business, is back in fifth floor men's room. And the facilities have never looked better! Coincidence? I think not.

Are you kidding me?

2008-05-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

9:16 a.m. Potty blogger notices that the plunger has been returned. Rejoice!

11:15 a.m. The toilet is clogged. Plunger sits helplessly next to clogged toilet.

Men, the plunger is back...use it! Sheesh.

Seriously, how does one clog a toilet, watch it nearly overflow and then blithely walk out of the stall? Grab the plunger and clear the bowl!

Remember, our fair fifth floor men's room toilet has a finicky digestive system. We need to help it along when needed.

You're need to be like those scientists who feed the birds with the eye-dropper! The plunger is the cotton swab that you may need to gently nudge the seed town the bird's throat.

For those not clear on the rest of the metaphor: The toilet is the bird. Your butt is the eye-dropper.

The plunger is back!

2008-05-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

Long live the plunger!

This place is a mess

2008-05-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

Fifth floor men's room is a mess today.

First of all, the toilet bowl looks like a bad Jackson Pollock painting. I once again found myself surveying the scene and thinking, "How is that even possible?" One of our users is just built different...that's all there is to it.

But the area AROUND the toilet is a mess today. There's crumpled up paper on the floor. Used tissues stuck behind the handicap help-me-up bar. Wadded up paper towels. It's gross.

But in terms of leaving garbage on or near the toilet, I guess it could be worse. (Thanks to a regular reader for sending this link.)

Three-dot update

2008-05-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

A recap of the last two weeks...

He who shall remain nameless made another appearance last week; still don't understand how he does it...

On Monday, men's room smelled like it had been doused in men's cologne; a strange but not unwelcome development considering the alternatives...

Still no sign of the plunger...

Looks like the "man's toilet paper" is gone for good...

why does fifth floor men's room need TWO pepto bismol pink hand soap despensers? Can we trade one for a plunger?...

A quick calculation shows that there is one toilet stall for every four female residents of the fifth floor but there is just one toilet stall for every 25 men...

Why is the location of the men's and ladies' rooms not consistent from floor to floor? On some floors the men's is on the right and on others it's on the left...

Why is there a lock on the outer door of the fifth floor men's room? Does anybody ever use it?....

Seriously, dude, get yourself checked...

Welcome, new readers

2008-04-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

The Potty Blogger intern recently did a little "site specific offline promotion" of this blog -- those flyers in the restrooms -- and as a result, our page visits are through the roof! (Well, that's not entirely true, but truth is a relative thing on the Internet.)

We welcome our new readers. Leave a comment and make yourself known. What are your initial reactions to this blog? Valuable resource? Disgusting waste of time? Have a suggestion for a future topic? You tell us.

There is a rumor that a competing blog may be in the works--say "340brannan2ndfloorladiesroom.blogspot.com"--and potty blogger welcomes all additions to the 340 Brannan bathroom canon.

Just added the RSS feed (to the right) so you can now stay up to date on all new posts.

Seriously, we NEED a plunger

2008-04-16T13:54:00.001-07:00

OK, this is ridiculous.

Yesterday, Potty Blogger came across a fairly typical scenario for fifth floor men's room: "the Easter basket was full of eggs." (Yes, that's a euphemism, but trust me, it's preferable to the stark truth.)

Anyhoo, there is STILL no plunger in the men's room. Potty Blogger had heard a rumor that the plunger had migrated to the fifth floor ladies' room (and really, who could blame it?) So, I asked a female colleague to go on a mission, search it out, and help me return it to its rightful place.

But after a thorough search (they have TWO stalls in there?!) the rogue plunger was nowhere to be found.

Building management, I appeal to you. This is a floor that needs a plunger. The suction power of 340 Brannan's fifth floor plumbing is equivalent to an asthmatic 6-year old girl sucking through a cocktail straw--it just doesn't do the job. Please, get us the equipment we require.

Venting about the venting

2008-04-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

Notice a new sound in fifth floor men's room? That is the sound of the air fan working.

New? Yes. Apparently, rumor has it that during a recent visit from the building's HVAC specialist, he realized that the vent in fifth floor men's room had never been connected.

This explains A LOT.

It is now connected and operational. Potty blogger doubts this means an end to all orange and red alerts, but is hopeful that it will reduce the number.

Bathroom miracle

2008-03-27T11:32:00.001-07:00

The following post is from one this blog's lady correpondents:

I saw a rainbow yesterday morning. And while it's not as exciting as seeing Jesus' face in a pepperoni pizza, the fact that this rainbow was in the fifth floor women’s room--that’s right, the WOMEN'S ROOM--qualifies it as a minor miracle.

What made it especially meaningful was that the rainbow led directly to the newly purchased can of Lysol Disinfectant Spray (Professional Strength, of course) now situated in the "small stall."

I know that sometimes God works in mysterious ways; this time, I think he's being a little more direct.

Too much Easter candy

2008-03-27T11:15:00.001-07:00

This has been a tough week, smell-wise, for fifth floor men's room.

On Monday, someone dropped a "three-senses bomb." (Named so because it assaulted three of the five senses.)

And, in an unfortunate coincidence, it was the same day that we ran out of Glade Air Infusions - Refreshing Springs. The offender could have maybe sought out a match or something...but no.

Crimes committed in fifth floor men's room fall into two categories. An "orange alert" is a crime that affects only the patrons of fifth floor men's room. A "red alert" is a crime that impacts visitors to the fifth floor as soon as the elevator doors open. Monday was a "red alert" day.

(Just FYI, a "double red" is an incident that affects multiple floors.)

Then yesterday, Wednesday, it seems that the offender hand not yet finished all the candy in his Easter basket, because he struck again. But after Monday's attack, potty blogger made sure the bathroom was stocked with Professional Strength Lysol (a hospital disinfectant-deodorant.) That was the difference between an "orange" and a "red" incident.

We must be vigilant, men. Take care of yourself. Eat well.

Limit your time in the saddle

2008-03-21T16:21:00.001-07:00

A good reminder to all users of fifth floor men's room: limit your time in the saddle to under two years.

The memo comes down

2008-03-21T16:15:00.001-07:00

About two weeks ago now, somebody finally took down the original potty blogger memo.

Frankly, it was time. I mean, a piece of paper taped to a wall next to a men's toilet really shouldn't be left there for four months. In some ways, the fact that it WAS pulled down is a testament to the strides that we, the users of the fifth floor men's room, have made since November.

Back in November, somebody probably could have left a decomposing body in the fifth floor men's room and nobody would have blinked. (Given some of the "work" guys were doing in there back then, I'm not sure anybody would have noticed.)

But we have banded together and demanded a higher standard of cleanliness. This is progress. I salute you, fellow users.

Day 29 and counting

2008-03-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

Fifth floor men's room has now gone 29 days without a plunger.

We have TWO bottles of hand soap, but we can't get ONE plunger? I guess soap is nice and all, but trust me, fifth floor men's room needs a plunger MUCH more than hand soap. I'm just saying.

Who stole the plunger?

2008-02-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

If there is one essential tool for fifth floor men's room, it is the plunger.

Who would steal it? Did someone take it back to their office? How did they sneak it out of the building? In their coat?

Perhaps it's absence is related to the "incident" in fifth floor LADIES room the other day. Potty Blogger is on the case...

One for the ladies

2008-02-05T16:31:00.000-08:00

It's been a quiet couple of weeks in fifth floor men's room. Sure, the "How-The-Heck-Does-He-Do-That Bomber" struck again last week, but for the most part, we've had a run of good luck.

Yesterday, however, there were rumblings about an "event" in the fifth floor LADIES room. Apparently, one of the stalls (they have TWO stalls in there? Where do I sign up?) was "out of commission"...and not in a good way.

I have contacted several women who saw the crime scene, but none have been willing to go on the record as the official "lady correspondent" for this blog. Stay tuned.

Then this morning, Potty Blogger got on the elevator and...well, it smelled like fart. In what sort of topsy-turvey world do we live when fifth floor men's room is a refuge from the elevator? It's a world gone mad.

Top of the world, ma!

2008-01-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

Google "340 Brannan."

We have arrived.

What the...!?

2008-01-18T12:58:00.001-08:00

One of the challenges of writing this blog is to fully cover the topic without getting too scatological or vulgar. (It is a workplace, after all.)

But some of the scenarios presented by fifth floor men's room defy euphemism. I shall try my best...

Yesterday, one of the visitors to the business chamber did some work that I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. While he had clearly flushed and even lit a match (thank you!) there were still significant...remnants...three inches above the water line.

Three...inches...ABOVE...the water line.

I found myself thinking, where the hell is that guy's "exit?" Given my anatomy (which I assume to be standard issue) I would have to contort myself into some pretty interesting shapes to...paint on that portion of the canvas.

So I return to the original premise that caused me to start this blog: some of the men using 340 Brannan fifth floor men's room are NOT RIGHT. Get yourself checked, fellas.

New toilet paper

2008-01-15T14:55:00.001-08:00

Anybody else notice the new toilet paper?

Instead of the quilted, flowery stuff, it has a more a modern, basket-weave texture.

I like it. It's easier to spin off the roll AND it's hearty--built for man-sized business. What more could you want?

Feedback from a dedicated reader

2008-01-12T15:17:00.001-08:00

One of our readers just posted this note "offline" (scribbled it on the original memo/manifesto that is still posted in fifth floor men's room):

I honestly thought this blog would get more traction…

Isn’t it ___________* that most blogs are about a bunch of boring crap and this blog is literally about ABOBC?

(*someone with imagination and a thesaurus fill in the blank.)

- A dedicated reader

First off, the staff here at 340brannan5thfloormensroom.blogspot.com wants to thank "dedicated reader" for his support of this blog from day one.

He is right. This is not MY blog...I am a servant of you, the people, helping put forth YOUR hopes and dreams for fifth floor men's room.

How would you fill in the blank above? Post your answer in the comments to this post.

Self-cleaning toilet seat

2008-01-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

Users of fifth floor men's room, let us unite for a common purpose!

Let's come together and ask building management to install one of these self-cleaning toilet seats.

Making a contribution

2008-01-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

Potty Blogger took measures into his own hands today.

I purchased a new can of air freshener for fifth floor men's room. It is Glade Air Infusions - Refreshing Springs.

One of the reasons that I selected it is because it uses UltraLast® technology to infuse the air with fragrance that lasts up to one hour.

The other reason is that it was on sale at Walgreens.

If it can truly make fifth floor men's room smell "inviting and fresh" (as claimed on its website) it really will have been worth the $1.99 I shelled out from my own pocket.

I have labeled the can too: "DO NOT REMOVE FROM FIFTH FLOOR MENS ROOM." Hopefully, the air freshener klepto that stole the last can has been apprehended.

Men, let us pledge together to use this miracle air infuser.

Hopes dashed

2008-01-03T14:22:00.000-08:00

So much for New Year's optimism.

"Somebody" has returned from holiday break with a vengeance and just left a late Christmas present in fifth floor men's room. The entire floor has been declared a bio-hazard area.

It's a little like closing the barn door after the horses are out, but I'm going to the store after work and purchasing a new can of spray for the men's room. Something must be done.

Happy New Year

2008-01-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

A new year, a new beginning for fifth floor men's room.

As we return from the holiday break, the can of air freshener is gone (maybe Santa took it?) but I am still optimistic about this bathroom in 2008.

Men, let us resolve to flush. To spray. To care.

Meadows & rain

2007-12-17T10:11:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season!

Somebody contributed a BRAND NEW can of Meadows & Rain Febreze Air Effects to fifth floor men's room.

Such charity restores your faith in mankind.

The perpetrator speaks

2007-12-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

On the WANTED posted that currently hangs in 340 Brannan fifth floor men's room, the perpetrator of Monday's crime scrawled:

"I'm an artist, not a vandal"

The public has spoken: we know art, sir, and you are no artist.

A handwriting analysis is in process. DNA testing will follow. He will be brought to justice!

Crime scene

2007-12-04T14:55:00.001-08:00

A new low, men.

Yesterday, I did not have an occasion to visit the fifth floor men's room, but a colleague of mine did. And he stumbled across a crime scene so horrific, he did the only reasonable thing...he took a picture.

I will not share the photographic evidence with you. (Frankly, I don't think Flikr will let me start an account with such an image.) But picture the worst thing you've ever scene in your life...multiply that by three. 'nuff said.

A wanted poster is now in place. The perpetrator of this crime will be located and brought to justice.

Black Monday

2007-11-26T09:13:00.001-08:00

We all know that the Friday after Thanksgiving is called "Black Friday" because of the chaos that kicks off the holiday shopping season.

(Yeah, I know that the name actually refers to fact that it's when retailers traditionally push their books into "the black" for year, but anybody who has actually fought their way through a Gap post-turkey day knows that the mood is pretty dark.)

Well, for office bathrooms all over the country, the first workday after the Thanksgiving holiday is known as "Black Monday."

Your average cubicle dweller has been stuffing their face for four days solid (thank you very much, leftovers.) In other words, the factory has been working overtime and there is backlog of product ready to ship!

I hope our plumbing can handle it.

It's called a plunger

2007-11-20T10:48:00.000-08:00

Men, it’s bathroom etiquette 101: he who clogs it must unclog it.

This morning, I was required, once again, to “repair” the facility before I could use it. Not cool.

It’s simple: once you’ve completed your transaction, flush and take a quick glance down. If the “actors” have “cleared the stage” you are free to exit the stall. If, however, there is a bottleneck at the exit, simply grab the plunger and clear the way.

The next guy thanks you for your courtesy.

Captain, I need more pressure

2007-11-16T11:37:00.000-08:00

Aside from the well-documented nasal assault, another defining feature of 340 Brannan's fifth floor men's room is the complete lack of water pressure.

While this is somewhat inconvenient in terms of the sink (I mean, we don't have to wash our hands every visit, do we men?) it's downright unacceptable in terms of the toilet.

To illustrate my point...

Perhaps you are familiar with Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese competitive eater who held the world record for hot dog eating for several years. A key element of his technique: he soaks the buns. Dipping them in water makes them easier to digest.

Let's just say that the fifth floor men's room toilet is not a "championship eater" of anything. I think its inability to fully "soak the buns" is a key reason why.

The toilet reminds me of those first generation low-flush water saving toilets--the ones that would simply spritz a turd and call it a day. While the low-flush technology seems to have come a long way in recent years, the plumbing in the fifth floor men's room at 340 Brannan has not.

Apparently, the building manager has tried to pin the lack of water pressure on the city. If that's the case, I shudder to think about those high-rise condos that are going up in nearby SOMA. If you've paid $2 million for a condo on the 43rd floor, you sure want to be able to go #2 in your own home, don't you?

It's gotten so bad, that I've heard rumors of desperate measures--people bringing water bottles with them into the business chamber (and not to quench their thirst.) But "those buns" need softening...do it for Kobayashi.

The potty blogosphere

2007-11-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

We are part of a rich literary tradition:

And many others...

Where the ladies at?

2007-11-13T10:39:00.001-08:00

In the halls of 340 Brannan, the buzz about this blog is rising to a steady hum.

Apparently, some are questioning the gender exclusivity--should there be a sister blog? A lady correspondent?

I believe 340brannan5thfloormensroom.blogspot.com is really more of a state-of-mind than a men's club. All are welcome.

Still, questions remain. Are euphemisms like "the business chamber" gender neutral?

In the spirit of inclusion, here are a few ladies room stall euphemisms we're testing with our focus groups right now: The Sit Down Place, Porcelain Lounge and the Barbecue Factory.

(I know "the Barbecue Factory" doesn't make any sense, but it DOES make me laugh.)

I blogged too soon

2007-11-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

Disregard the sunny optimism of my previous post. Somebody did some heart-breaking work this morning.

Men, you need to FLUSH. It's not optional. It's what you must do at the end of the session.

If you have done so much damage that the technology is unable to process your deposit, you must call the building manager. This is not courtesy, it's basic humanity.

A sanctuary

2007-11-08T08:00:00.001-08:00

Who'd a thunk it? Fifth floor men's room has become a sanctuary!

Perhaps it's the can of Linen & Sky Febreze Air Effects that was generously contributed just hours after the original potty memo went up. Maybe the denizens of the fifth floor are eating better, working out, and living right. But whatever the reason, visits to this blog's namesake over the last 10 days have been almost...pleasant.

The same cannot be said for the fourth floor. (As far as I know, 340brannan4thfloormensroom.blogspot.com does not yet exist. So I must share my experience here.)

Yesterday afternoon, when I entered fifth floor men's room, the business chamber was occupied. So I decided to head downstairs to use the fourth floor facilities.

It was bad. Not my-coworkers-ate-Indian-food-for-lunch bad but rather did-a-hobo-die-in-here bad. Bad bad.

So I actually climbed the stairs and waited until the fifth floor men's room was free. It was my preferred bathroom.

We've come a long way, baby.

Giant sucking machine

2007-11-06T11:01:00.001-08:00

Today, right in front of 340 Brannan, there is a truck that is working on repairing the sewer line on the street. It has a giant hose and is, uh...well, it's sucking out all the poop.

Will this effort improve the smell situation in 5th floor men's room? Stay tuned...

Cast of characters

2007-11-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

Acronyms for our artists and contributors:

G - Gumming
R - Receptacles
I - Intended for
D - Defecation with
N - Nose
E - Embalming
T - Turds

And...

T - Taunting
E - Enemies with
N - New
D - Dumping
O - Offensive

A memo...a cry for help

2007-11-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

It all started with this memo:

A Memo to the Users of the Fifth Floor Men’s Room at 340 Brannan St.

Men –

This is, of course, a men’s restroom. One would not expect it to smell of peppermint and lilacs.

But some of you have been doing some real knee-buckling work, lately…the kind of stuff that drives a person to the 4th floor facilities...contributions that make one question a co-worker’s diet…nay, their very health!

Some of you need to get yourselves checked. What’s happening inside these four walls...Just. Not. Right.

How about some “mitigating steps?” Matches? Air Spray? A complete physical? Suggestions are welcome.

We’re all in this together, men.

Which led to this "comment" (which, in the non-blog world means somebody scribbled something in pen on the wall):

Note to Author...

This is some of the finest potty writing that I've seen! You should be a professional! (probably are.) Please post more material. I can stink up the room if it helps inspire you. Do you have a blog?
-- a dedicated reader.

Yes, dedicated reader. I do have a blog. Enjoy.